i am a loser

i am a loser

Missing Faith

My Islam has been left to rot. The best way to stay on top of domestic cleanliness is daily tidying away, otherwise you end up with a pile of clothes on the back of a chair. In the same way Islam condones ..what the F is that word... ah yes Steadfastness. Small regular acts help retain taqwa - consciousness of Allah. So I've ended up with a rotting pile of black filth on my heart, which no amount of Vanish or Mr Muscle is able to shift. ...OK I lie about the Mr Muscle and Vanish, I've barely made any effort to scrub away. Seems like such hard work. It's like I've built up an aversion to Muslims (and consequently (mistakenly) equated it to Islam). I'm so tired of salafis, stuck up their own arses, going on and on about how beautiful dawah is, when you can blatantly tell they get off on chastising others and dismissing them to hell. Ugh, I'm so prickly even Islam can't get to me, let alone other people. I think I'm turning away from Islam because what its telling me to do is Difficult to do, may require Struggle *(shock horror - effort?! Don't use that word much these days)* Unlike the fluffy Christian Just Believe preaching, Islam is requiring me to put some effort in. It tells me it has/is the solution but I need to work towards it. I know all the teachings yes, "Take a step towards Allah and He will come to you at speed" (paraphrased qudsi hadith) etc etc but I can't. I'm too weak a servant.

f$$K you you mOTHerFuC££ers

I wish I could turn the clocks back to when...

My mum was alive and I'd eat her freshly made chapppatis.

I believed my dad when he complimented me on my handwriting and spellings, before I knew he was just patronising me.

Y used to leave me cute little offline messages on Yahoo Messenger.

I used to trek to events on my own and be inspired by the people I heard. When everything wasn't blah and old, when it was New and exciting and the future was Bright.

I was able to pray with sincerity.

I could smile without faking it and be crying inside.

Empty mind. Nothing to write. Empty soul. Nothing to give. Empty apart from hatred and anger. And violence. GRR

Eurgh

Eugh, just feel and look fat today, not pregnant at all. Yuk yuk yuk. Horrid horrid body.

Sad.

Angry today. Growling.

Angry at being left alone and someone not quite understanding some things. Can't even openly talk about it, great.

Sigh.

i wish i could do bellydancing properly,. im gonna start lessons again afterwards i think.